october field-notes

faith, trust, and rabbi dust

Nov 15, 2023

Snow Globe Moment

An inexplicable trust and faith convince me that I am perpetually guided and protected – even when the chaos of stress and turmoil reaches its peak. This unwavering conviction has been nurtured by years of gratitude and the plain truth that I am, in many ways, a lucky duck.

The depth of my trust was tested one fateful day in Amsterdam – the day of the Hunter’s Moon. Picture this: a pair of well-meaning travelers sharing a pre-flight joint, thinking they're on the express train to serenity by listening to 1989 (Taylor’s Version). Upon exiting the metro, the jarring realization hits me – I've accidentally sent my passport and wallet on a journey of their own. In my high state, I had decided it was perfectly sensible to toss my essentials into the pocket of my jacket all willy-nilly which was now departing from my sight. There I was in a foreign country without any form of ID or money.

As the panic settled and the hours of search at each metro station met their natural end, that trust and faith that everything would work itself out were all I could cling to. What made this experience more uplifting and digestible was the presence of my best friend Jenny. Since graduating college last spring, the times we can now see each other are few and far between. Upon realizing we had only spent less than a week together this entire year, we decided to embark on a two-week adventure in Europe as a post-graduation celebration. Before leaving, I told her I didn’t care where we were or what we were doing, as long as we were together, and that statement remained true even in a time like this.

Jenny is the person you’d want by your side when shit hits the fan. She too subscribes to the gospel of trust and humor in the face of turmoil and disaster – we’d sing between searching and giggle at the absurdity of it all. After accepting our fate of staying in Amsterdam far longer than anticipated, we decided to book a cheap hotel and hit the town for some food and drinks. In Jenny’s words: “You can sleep when you’re dead we’re in Amsterdam, bitch.”

In a drunken state, chicken nuggets in hand, I obsessively checked my Instagram DM’s for what felt like the hundredth time that day for any messages about someone finding my belongings. And there it was, my snowglobe moment: a message from a metro officer who had custody of my stuff from a rabbi who stumbled upon my belongings an hour outside the city. Jenny and I erupted into a celebratory jig, nuggets still in tow, and booked an Uber to meet our newfound saviors at three in the morning. As my jacket returned to my arms, tears streamed down my face, overwhelmed by the feelings of relief and gratitude for the goodness of people in this world. Doubt never eased its way into our thoughts for one second. Faith, trust, and rabbi dust!

Locations

Victoria, British Columbia

Seattle, Washington

Portland, Oregon

Bend, Oregon

Reston, Virginia

Amsterdam, Netherlands

Florence, Italy

Casual Magic

pumpkin spice lattes and sea glass hunting on a warm, sunny morning with B

chickadees flying onto my hand and crying at the beauty of it

taking a three-hour ferry ride as the sun was setting

smoking a joint on my mom’s porch with Bella

meeting my internet friend JT in person for the first time

singing with strangers around a campfire and embracing in a group hug

a week of learning and living with artists

driving to the coast with my mom

making a video again

reuniting with Jenny

seeing THE Fault in our Stars bench in person

running in the rain

landing in Italy thinking how nine-year-old me would be so happy knowing her dreams were fulfilled

Quotations

“I yearn for the second chance in life to fall in love again. the person who can lay down beside you at night, not have to say anything, and you feel it. that’s love. that’s what I want.” — Gerry from The Golden Bachelor

“shoutout wombs!” — Mènte

“we’re human beings not human doings” — Catherine

“a seed doesn’t know it’s a seed when it’s planted, as it grows it gets a different vantage.” — my dad

“trust the pattern, not the person” — me lol

“my two greatest enemies in life: assumptions and expectations.” — some guy I met at a bar in Amsterdam

Songs On Repeat

I, Carrion (Icarian) — Hozier

My Love Mine All Mine — Mitski

Calico Skies — Paul McCartney

Officer of Love — Caamp

Columbia River — Lomelda

OCTOBER SCRAPBOOK

Rose, Bud, Thorn

Rose: just like last month, my rose is the privilege of travel. I say privilege because not everyone is afforded the same flexibility in their jobs as I am, and for that, it is a privilege. I recognize the fears in my younger years that held me back from living my life: fear of my health, fear of my safety, and fear of security. My therapist tells me bravery is still feeling that fear, but moving forward regardless. I have worked too hard and too long to not live the life younger me wished she could have. From where I’m from, people are lucky to make it out of my town, let alone the state, and if you make it out of the country you’re considered a rare bird. Travel has expanded my scope of the world with each new place I touch foot in and each new person I meet, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

Bud: sleeping in my own bed again. Though travel is expansive and wonderful, there is something to be said about returning to the comfort of your own bed. From sleeping on couches, airport benches, plane seats, and hostel dorm beds, my bed at home calls out to me. As the weather shifts I am ready to be enveloped by my childhood blanket and hibernate the winter woes away.

Thorn: lack of alone time. I am extroverted by nature, but it has been over a month since I’ve had quality alone time which has left me depleted of all energy. A quick walk to the cemetery brings me back to life for a brief moment before tending to the presence of others again. Now I understand why my dad took 20-minute-long bathroom breaks when I was a kid.