november field-notes

to be a woman is to perform

There’s this quotation by James Baldwin I haven’t stopped thinking about ever since I first read it: “The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of a lover. If I love you, I have to make you conscious of the things you don’t see.” The process of creating art has always, without a doubt, revealed something that was buried deep within my subconscious that fosters a greater awareness and understanding of myself. I see this awareness reflected back to me, time and time again, when someone’s interpretation of my work places a mirror before me – loving others has done the same. To be loved is to be changed as they say. 

The act of loving is one I hope to be a professional at by the end of my life. To do that, I have to be comfortable with the parts of myself that become illuminated when entangled with another – the lesser-known, shadowy bits. I don’t shy away from my faults (for which there are many) when it comes to friendships, but when romantic love is at stake, I wish to be unseen. You cannot be detached if you are to love – something I have only begun to recognize more and more with each attempt at love. 

My best friend Jenny is someone I love fervently – not for the simple fact that she loves me, but because there is a certain level of peace and understanding when someone just gets you and you get them. In moments of romantic love where I feel misunderstood or incapable of loving, I am reminded of Jenny and how it is possible for me to love because of the way I love her. She hasn’t known me my entire life, yet at the same time, there is a silent understanding between us that this isn’t our first rodeo together. I like to imagine the many different lifetimes we’ve shared, the different roles we may have played, and the confidence of being with her in the next one. 

In the beginning of November, we were in Verona, Italy together. Among the cobblestone streets, there lives a courtyard that is swarmed by tourists day in and day out due to the nature of it being the place of inspiration for Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (which is arguably one of the most famous “love” stories of all time). A statue of Juliet resides in the courtyard – legend has it that if you rub Juliet’s right breast, you’ll be granted good fortune in your love life. I don’t know who or what came up with the notion that molesting a 13-year-old fictional child will bring you the love of your life, but I am superstitious to my core. However, Jenny and I opted for a different approach. 

We sit and watch the steady flow of person after person grabbing Juliet, posing for their picture, and going on their merry way. Sadness sits in our stomachs as we write letters to Juliet and express our devotion and wishes for love — our hopes our dreams. The contents of that letter are for her and her alone and found a home nestled between the bricks. We greet Juliet clumsily, wrap our arms around her waist to hug her, and turn to the crowd of people to smile for a camera that isn’t there. Posing for a photo felt to be the only “appropriate” way to spend time with Juliet without making her feel like a spectacle – something all women know all too well. I know it’s just a statue and Juliet wasn’t real, but it’s what she represents that feels very real to me. I saw this video on TikTok shortly after returning home from our travels and sent it to Jenny. To be a woman is to perform. I read it over and over. To be a woman is to perform. Suddenly my hindrances when it comes to love make sense to me.  

There has indeed been a certain aspect of performance when it comes to my romantic rendezvous. A significant portion of womanhood revolves around curating your image to be perceived as beautiful through the gaze of others. We are taught to perform desirability and femininity until it becomes second nature. Even in our most authentic and vulnerable moments, an unconscious impulse drives us to perform due to the surveillance we hold of ourselves. Escaping the grip of our hyper-awareness is challenging because of the ingrained mentality we have to care about how others view us. It is for that very reason I have found the truest form of love in the friendships I have with women instead of the romantic relationships I’ve had with men. In my friendships, there is no need to perform, no obligation to succumb to society’s expectations. There is understanding, there is safety, and there is love. Love, love, love.

Locations

• Florence, Italy

• Venice, Italy

• Verona, Italy

• Reston, Virginia

• Rangeley, Maine

Casual Magic

• Seeing Michelangelo’s David in person 

• Walking the streets of Florence at night

• Aperitivo with Bri and Jenny 

• Getting caught in the rain

• Getting free shots after dinner 

• Morning cappuccinos by the canals of Venice 

• Writing a letter to Juliet

• Giggling endlessly with Jenny while watching a movie

• Talking through the night with a stranger at the airport 

• Reuniting with my dad after being gone for seven weeks 

• Trader Joe’s grocery run

• Sleeping in my bed again 

• Making my first pie

• The slowness of the mornings at home

• Watching Survivor with my dad

Quotations

“I feel like there’s this aliveness you’re missing out on because you’re observing life from outside of yourself instead of feeling” – Madison 

“Trust your identity. Be in touch with your reality.” – my yogi tea tag 

“Our fears can be a habit rather than a reflection of reality.” – also my yogi tea tag

“Is that what art is? To be touched thinking what we feel is ours when, in the end, it was someone else, in longing, who finds us?” – Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous 

Songs On Repeat

• Witches – Alice Phoebe Lou

• Interstate Vision – Lomelda

• Lucky – Atta Boy

• Better Man – Leon Bridges 

• Convention – Julia Jacklin 

SCRAPBOOK

thank you, November.

big love,

isobel